This Should Have Been an Email
How Formal Emails Can Help Us Get Deeper IRL
Long Story Short:
The Problem: We can be quite one-sided in how we communicate with others, similar to sending out Tweets in real life. This style of communication, though, is self-centered and does not allow for deeper connections with others.
My Argument: If we’re going to pick one form of online communication to adopt into IRL interactions, I would much rather we follow Email practices rather than Tweeting.
Elaboration: Email has implicit rules that make communication more formal, respectful, and personal. By adopting those practices into face-to-face conversations we would create a space where reciprocal communication can flourish.
Short Story Long:
It’s a random Wednesday morning and I am in the middle of my usual start-of-the-day flow, setting things up, and mentally preparing for the day to come. Once I am in a routine, I find my mind and body are on autopilot and I aim to be as efficient as I can be to finish the tasks in front of me. Then my phone buzzes.
When I go to check it, I can feel myself being annoyed and inconvenienced at that moment.
But it’s not spam, a wrong number, nor is it some marketing text telling me that there is a new limited-time offer deal. It’s actually one of my friends, someone I enjoy talking with a lot, but we haven’t had a chance to talk or text for a while.
So why am I annoyed?
Because I don’t feel like the message is for me. There’s no “hello”, no “how are you?”. It’s a message simply telling me about something that happened in my friend’s day. It’s a message that feels like it could be sent to anyone, not just for me. There’s no context to suggest that the event reminded him of me and that’s why he sent this message. It feels more like news sharing, which is only concerned with relaying facts to an audience, not engaging with them.
I am unsure of how to respond, or if I want/need to respond at all. So I don’t.
I feel guilty about not responding. I feel guilty for not continuing the conversation, but it’s hard for me to do when a) I’m not in the mode to receive messages as I am in the middle of my day, and b) the message didn’t feel like it needed a deep response.
During my workday, I can’t help but notice that a similar thing happens with some of my coworkers. One will randomly come up to me to tell me about their weekend adventures, but it’s not in a way that opens up a conversation… it’s very much, “This is what happened.” Again, with very little greeting or segue into the topic. Even if I respond with a comment or question, I find the conversation immediately fizzles out because all that needed to be shared has already been shared and my coworker just moves on to doing something else. So what was the point of starting the conversation if it’s just going to end right away?
In both cases, it feels like I am being Tweeted at in real life, the communication being so one-sided from Tweeter to reader. With Tweeting, a thought enters our head, we write it down, hit “post/publish”, and then we go on with our day. In the IRL version, a thought seems to enter our heads, we decide to blurt it out to whoever is around, and then we go on with our day. The option to comment is there but it isn’t really the point. It’s more about the reaction or just getting that message out into the world, and I just happen to be the closest person available for that message. I admit I am micro-analyzing a bit over how people communicate. I don’t think they intend to be rude or anything, but I still think it’s a bit of a rude way to communicate offline in general. I can’t help but notice that this is becoming a much more common way of interacting with the people around us.
I worry it is making our communication a little too self-centered if our interactions are turning into sending out quick tweets here and there without creating the space for actual conversation to develop. Now, there’s nothing inherently wrong with being self-centered in how we talk. To build meaningful connections we need to be able to disclose personal information to others and create that trust. It’s something we all do to an extent.
In fact, some of us may talk about ourselves for 60% of our conversations. When it comes to Twitter, a study showed that out of 350 users, 80% of them tended to Tweet about themselves, while the other 20% shared information. Another study showed that talking about ourselves to others activates the reward centers in our brain significantly more than talking about other people. This activation of the reward-related neural regions was shown whether someone else was listening or not to the speaker, as long as the topic was about the self.
It’s normal to talk about ourselves and be self-centered, it also makes us feel good to be able to share these experiences or ideas of ourselves with one another. Self-disclosure can be a powerful way to show people who we are and find the people that we can mesh well with, leading to stronger platonic and romantic relationships. But, as much as there are benefits of self-disclosure, there are also degrees in which it can be detrimental to relationship-building.
This brings us to the concept of “conversational self-focus”, which is the tendency to shift the focus of the conversation to oneself, regardless of whether the other person started the conversation trying to share something important about themselves. It’s when one person’s self-disclosure becomes more dominant than the other’s, and when it is no longer about having a dialogue between two people. Conversational self-focus is an extreme form of self-centered communication.
Think something along the lines of:
Or even something like:
In both cases, the conversation becomes hijacked despite the way it started, and the initial speaker does not get an adequate amount of space to share what they wanted to. Something worth noting is that those who engage in conversational self-focus may not be doing it with ill intent, as the behaviour seems to be correlated with depression.
That being said, those who engage too much in conversational self-focus can be at risk of harming their relationships with family, friends, or intimate partners. Without realizing it, they may be taking up too much of the communication channel, demanding too much of the listener’s attention, and causing some emotional burnout as a result. We all have only so much capacity to take in information, and only so much patience to be talked at without being able to share anything in return.
Based on the experiences I’ve had with my friend and coworker, I believe this IRL Tweet-style of communication is just a new form of conversational self-focus. One where the speaker can quickly talk about themselves without warning and then move on without needing a response. In this way, the conversation can always be about the self, and the speaker can get that quick reward hit and move on with their day. (The behaviour reminds me of what I’ve seen with the rise of vaping in the past few years, where people will quickly take a hit from their vape in the middle of doing something and continue with their task as if nothing happened.) However, this means that the listener is getting smaller, yet more frequent (one-sided) demands on their attention. Although this isn’t as draining as a long interaction, it can surely add up over time, similar to the concept of micro-stress, and result in the same emotional burnout.
Looking at it in this way, conversations are becoming less about connection, and are slowly becoming just another way to get a fast dopamine fix. During a time when loneliness has been deemed an epidemic, and social isolation is at an all-time high, I don’t think we’ll be benefitting in the long-term with this kind of communication style and our relationships are only going to suffer more as a result.
So What Can We Do Differently?
The one-sided communication style that we see on social media mirrors the offline way that we may communicate with others, in the fashion of nonreciprocal disclosure. It is done quickly, with very little intention behind it. Therefore, I think being mindful and having intention can help us change that, and make it easier for us to start building deeper connections.
To do that, we need to shift our style of communication away from IRL Tweeting, and into a format that forces us to slow down. There is another form of online communication we can look to that I believe is better suited for this task.
I’m talking about E-mail.
By modeling our IRL communication in a manner similar to electronic mail, we may be able to have more thoughtful and intentional conversations. This is because e-mail is a very thoughtful and intentional mode of communication, especially in professional settings. A formal email that you’d craft for school or work contains formatting rules that need to be respected. Every (professional) email contains a subject line that announces what the topic of conversation is about, a greeting to (acknowledge) the recipient of the email, a sign-off that offers respect or sincerity to the recipient, and the name of the sender.
Along with the basic structure, there are more implicit rules to the email mode of communication that are followed. When they are not followed, it can be a bit jarring to read and understand the message within. The implicit rules of email are that they need to be clear and concise, they need to follow proper spelling and grammar, they outline the next steps of the communication (whether it means a reply, a call, a meeting, or even “no reply necessary”), and the recipient is not expected to respond immediately (there are other modes of communication for faster responses, email is not one of them.)
Now, am I saying we need to talk ultra-formally with each other for everything? Well, no… but also yes.
Conversational self-focus is very informal and can be flat out rude depending on the degree of how self-centered it is. I characterize it as demanding attention and immediate priority whether the listener is in the mood to converse or not. The speaker rarely defines how much attention they need, nor are they as clear and concise as they could be as they enter into ranting territory. Sometimes speakers may ruminate and repeat themselves if they are really worked up, preventing the conversation topic from changing organically. When conversational self-focus is really bad, there isn’t a way for the speaker and listener to connect. There isn’t any one thing for them to get deep about, as the conversation stays at a shallow level that is resistant to outside input.
If we, instead, were more mindful of adopting formality in how we interact, we would be able to create a space that allows for a deeper connection. This can be done in two ways following standard email practices.
The first is to respect the listener’s time and capacity for more focused and thoughtful responses.
When we send an email, we don’t expect an immediate response. We know that people are busy and not constantly refreshing their inboxes. When they do get to their inbox, then they are in the headspace to respond and respond thoughtfully. For a genuine connection with someone, you’d want them to be focused on what you’re saying and be able to reply meaningfully. Sometimes they’re just not in the right mood or headspace to get into an in-person conversation at that very moment, but they’ll be more ready to engage a couple of minutes later. A conversation doesn’t immediately start just because you said something, it starts once someone responds. So get in the habit of checking in with people and asking them “Is this a good time?”, and respecting when it isn’t can be a huge first step.
Next, let’s look at the subject lines. Following the spirit of the subject line, we can let the listener know what we want to talk about before we get into the details. This helps mentally prime them for the conversation to come since they have a bit of context, instead of throwing them into the middle of a rant. It also helps create parameters for the interaction. The listener knows what the focus is on, and can mentally dedicate time and attention to it. If things are left too open-ended, then the listener may not know where things are going. They’re left wondering if this is a quick statement or an involved discussion.
This leads to why being clear and concise matters so much, even in casual conversations. Taking a moment to really think about what you are saying and making an effort to ensure understanding from the listener makes the communication go smoother. It is hard to follow someone who goes from topic to topic just as much as it can be hard to engage with someone who isn’t making their point clear enough. On top of that, we should also be more clear about what we want from the listener. Do we just want to share something with a listening ear? Do we want advice? A debate? Instead of leaving them guessing on what you’re needing, we can be clear about that as well from the get-go.
The second is to personalize when you can.
With the formal greeting and the sign-off, it is clear that the message is intended for a specific recipient(s) and only they can respond to the statement or question in their own unique way. With the one-sided Tweet style communication that I described earlier, the message is meant for a fill-in-the-blank or mass audience. It doesn’t matter who is receiving the message as long as it is communicated. In fact, you want more and more people to see the message and engage with it, even if they are strangers. However, you rarely get deep with any one person, no matter how much you engage with them in this style. There isn’t enough time or space for personalization, and even if the recipient responds with meaning, the sender of the one-sided message isn’t able to (or doesn’t want to) continue the conversation.
With personalization, there is a reason why I am speaking with you and not anyone else. There is value and insight that only you can provide. If I was looking for hard facts or new ideas, I would be able to go elsewhere for it. When it comes to connecting with who you are, your story, your views, and your advice, then I have no reason to go anywhere else.
Even if you are just trying to share something, I believe there is always a right audience for what you have to say. No message is meant for everyone, but I think we’ve become very comfortable with communicating as if they are. Often times I observe the same story being told again and again to different people, told in the same way even if the listeners are responding in their own unique way. It just feels too scripted and devoid of meaning, because it doesn’t allow for organic tangents to grow and take it elsewhere. In my day-to-day, I know that there are some people I can talk to about certain things. Whether it is something I am geeking out about, or something super serious, I know exactly who I’d go to for each topic, and as a result, I know I’ll have a quality conversation with them that I couldn’t replicate from anyone else.
For both of these ways to be adopted, a mindset shift has to occur in how we do communication. We need to have connection to be the goal of the interaction. We have to move away from getting that immediate satisfaction from selfishly talking about ourselves and “Tweeting” to whoever we come across. We have to be more intentional with how we’re communicating and that starts by remembering there is a who that we are communicating with more than just focusing on what we’re communicating. We need to keep in mind their choice and their voice if we want to move past one-sided, shallow messages and into deep, thoughtful conversations.
Do you see IRL Tweeting from the people around you? Or are you (like me) a little guilty of it yourself? I’d love to hear about your experiences with one-sided interactions or conversational self-focus in the comments below.